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VO-BB - 19 YEARS OLD! Where A.I. is a four-letter word.
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Dave Lucky 700
Joined: 11 Nov 2004 Posts: 727 Location: Houston, Texas
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 9:30 am Post subject: Hurricane Season Guide |
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Disclaimer: A sizeable portion of Houston is underwater from heavy rains in the last three days...some areas received as much as 10 inches an hour. Far too many people along the Gulf Coast are still suffering terribly from Hurricane Katrina and Rita. My heart goes out to each and every one affected by the storms.
Never-the-less...we gotta keep our sense of humor...and so I offer the following note I received from a friend this morning:
Hurricane Season in Houston
(Please note this includes the suburbs of Houston as well, i.e., Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas)
To: ex-Houstonians, present Houstonians, and future Houstonians or those who know a Houstonian:
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season, which starts June 1 and ends November 30. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Houston. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Houston.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Houston, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Alicia, I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Houston" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two million other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Houston tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes out, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks really cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Alicia; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man who is passing through town, probably from Nebraska.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: It's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!! _________________ . If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you. |
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Hart Assistant Asylum Chief
Joined: 03 Jan 2006 Posts: 2107 Location: Foley, AL
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 9:36 am Post subject: |
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Not bad.
Now I have to go dig up that Billy Pilgrim song "Hurricane Season" or maybe Paul Sanchez's "Hurricane Party" _________________ Hart Voice Overs Blog
Brian Hart Productions |
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Tom Greenlee DC
Joined: 24 Mar 2006 Posts: 686 Location: Divide, Colorado (above the clouds)
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 9:43 am Post subject: |
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or........Rock You Like a Hurricane _________________ TG2
"Communication without intelligence is noise; Intelligence without communication is irrelevant."
Gen. Alfred. M. Gray, USMC
Former Commandant of the Marine Corps |
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DaveHines Guest
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 10:23 am Post subject: |
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perhaps "When The Levee Breaks"? |
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anthonyVO 14th Avenue
Joined: 09 Aug 2005 Posts: 1470 Location: NYC
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 10:39 am Post subject: |
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Glad to know you're ok, Dave - especially in spirit. |
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Bruce Boardmeister
Joined: 06 Jun 2005 Posts: 7926 Location: Portland, OR
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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As someone who lives in a place that gets 7 inches of rain IN A FRIGGIN' YEAR, I can't possibly imagine 10 inches in an hour or 18 inches in a day like you folks have had. Got too much? Send it our way anytime.
B _________________ VO-BB Member #31 Enlisted June, 2005
I'm not a Zoo, but over the years I've played one on radio/TV. . |
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COURVO Even Taller Than He Seems On TV
Joined: 10 Feb 2006 Posts: 1569 Location: Vegas, Baby!
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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Bruce....
You get that much? Hell, we only get an average of 4 inches a year, and haven't even hit one inch yet THIS year.
Dave C. _________________ Dave Courvoisier - Las Vegas, NV
http://www.CourVO.com
CourVO@CourVO.com
Courvo's "Voice Acting in Vegas" Blog: http://www.CourVO.biz
on your phone at courvo.mobi
702.610.6288
"I'm not a news anchor, but I play one on TV." |
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Hart Assistant Asylum Chief
Joined: 03 Jan 2006 Posts: 2107 Location: Foley, AL
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donrandall Guest
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Posted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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We had a little bit of thunder this afternoon. We even had a cloud for a few minutes. My lawn is a beautiful shade of brown. It has a better tan than I do. |
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Tom Greenlee DC
Joined: 24 Mar 2006 Posts: 686 Location: Divide, Colorado (above the clouds)
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Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 7:38 am Post subject: |
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Don....here in Colorado Springs, the sky was completely dark, where you couldn't distinguish the presence of clouds....just deep dark. Got quite a down pouring with mixed hail. (really needed it here tho), Thunder and lightning to boot. annnnnd.....up where I live in Divide, it was the same except the thunder and lightning continued into the night. Heck, at 9500 feet, we're practically at the source of the lightning.....it doesn't have to travel far to hit something. _________________ TG2
"Communication without intelligence is noise; Intelligence without communication is irrelevant."
Gen. Alfred. M. Gray, USMC
Former Commandant of the Marine Corps |
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donrandall Guest
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Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2006 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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Quote: | up where I live in Divide, it was the same except the thunder and lightning continued into the night. Heck, at 9500 feet, we're practically at the source of the lightning.....it doesn't have to travel far to hit something. |
Yeh, we had a bit of lightning too. Some guy riding his motorcycle on the Boulder turnpike was riding along and minding his own business yesterday (Wednesday) and the lightning did manage to find him.
The highway was closed for quite some time, |
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