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asnively
Triple G
Joined: 17 Jun 2006
Posts: 3204
Location: Los Angeles
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 Posted: Sat May 08, 2010 10:37 am Post subject: He'll neuter your dog, and narrate it... |
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I just about died when I found this on Craigslist this morning!
| Quote: | ► w w w . Y O U R - R E N T - A - G E N T . c o m ◄
* Please contact me if you are in need of any type of help or assistance around your home or office.
Do not underestimate what I can do for you. Have a problem, Contact me! I am your "Solution Specialist".
My website should provide most answers to any questions you may have concerning my services.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Thank you for giving me a chance to assist you with your needs!
.... walk your dogs
.... remove the old window tint from your '79 Ford Ranchero
.... pick up dog poop from the back yard
.... personal chaufer / transporter
.... rotate your car's tires
.... take down your Christmas tree and DISPOSE OF IT
.... find the tire with the "blem" in it
.... take down the Christmas lights from the house
.... be your "Human Potential Specialist"
.... conduct light surgery on you dog
.... do the voice-over for your next production or reading
.... visit and converse with your elderly parent at the nursing home where they now live
.... bring you five gallons of gasoline now that you've run out of fuel & are stuck on the side of Central, LBJ, or I-30
.... wash your automobile
.... teach your child Portuguese
.... replace the propeller on your Chris Craft
.... take your car to have it's Texas State Inspection now that it's due
.... fix the emmision on your car so that it passes
.... break the "Bad News" to her / him.
.... teach your child to play the piano
.... assemble those "some assembly required" christmas gifts
.... provide courier service for just about anything you've got
.... grocery shop for you
.... show up at court on your behalf
.... teach you to surf the gnarly curls at Boicucanga, SA
.... teach you how to successfully operate an EBAY business
.... post your bills for you because no one has actually ever taught you how
.... lie for you about "where" you were
.... advise you of "The Law"
.... pick up your medication for you from CVS
.... wash your laundry
.... determine if your home is secure enough for Dallas County
.... wash your dog (no cats please)
.... prepare you a great meal
.... be your date for that up coming office party (ladies only please)
.... pick up your child at his school when you can't
.... teach you to pass your "road test" the first time. GUARANTEED!
.... teach you how to PROPERLY operate a motorcycle
.... teach you or your child to properly operate a manual stick car
.... take your child "kite Flying" at Dalrock park
.... flat'n his / her tires for you. LEGALLY, of-course!
.... teach you about which wine goes with which meal
.... drive you to that Jazzercise class you now want to join, but can't get to
.... sit on the sideline at you Jazzercise classes and shout out encouraging words to you
.... pack your luggage so that it passes TSA regulations GUARANTEED
.... draw up your itinerary
.... be your designated driver. (to date I've provided THIS service 17 times just since the 1st. of the year. It's amazing!)
.... find you the best price on a flight to Caraguatatuba, Brasil, S.A.
.... teach you to buy stock in electronic companies
.... fix your vacuum cleaner (no extra charge to families with female members with long blond hair)
.... give you a 25% discount on a room in a fantastic hotel on the island of Ihla Bela, off the coast of San Sebastiao, Brasil, S.A.
.... replace the burned out fuse in your microwave
.... replace the 20 amp. breaker in your main breaker panel
.... pick up your new lawn mower at Home Depot
.... introduce you to the hiring manager of PetroBras Oil in South America
.... till you a new garden out back
.... teach AND convince you of why you should feed your "Congo" pellets verses strictly seeds.
.... tend bar at your next party
.... TEACH ENGLISH TO YOUR MOTHER
.... I can show you how to party like it's 1999 (still)
.... repo your car BACK from her
.... advise you on sex (if you ever decide to "change")
.... be your mystery shopper
.... tell you what it takes to become the Dallas Sidekick's official mascot (one of the best full time jobs I ever had)
.... teach your dog basic, good behavior around the house
.... clip your Amazon's wings & nails
.... pose nude at you next art class (some classes require that you bring your own model)
.... sell you my award winning chili recipe
.... provide a GREAT crematorium should your beloved pet ever die -
. . . . . . . (my fee for this service is $185.00 which includes pet pick-up & RE-delivery of ashes back to you)
.... be a judge at your next Chili Cook-Off (27 years of "professional" experience)
.... change the oil & filter on your automobile while you're at work
.... teach you to whistle
.... sell you my world renowned recipe entitled "Butch Rene's Infamous Cajun popcorn". It's a family secret.
.... teach you to juggle balls
.... teach you to juggle the bills .... LOL
.... help you get onto "Survivor"
.... teach you to say "No" to your child, and later have them come back to you and THANK YOU FOR IT
.... show you which intersections in Dallas County are the best (and safest) for standing at while begging for money & a JOB
.... repair your bicycle, regardless of its' value
.... pop out that large dent on the side of your car
.... provide the name & number of a private music teach with 32 years of teaching experience here in Garland
.... determine which kind of K9 is best for you and your family
.... compose an advertising campaign just for you or your company
.... hem your pants
.... convert your long pants to shorts
.... replace the battery in your watch
.... replace the battery in your car
.... program your VCR (yes, I am that old)
.... balance your check book
.... provide a secret phone number to a great "Bookie"
.... teach you proper etiquette while at a nudist camp
.... mow your lawn
.... sell you my killer recipe for "Red Beans & Rice"
.... trim your bangs
.... give you a basic haircut at your home
.... explain why to purchase one hand gun over another
.... steam clean the carpets in your home or office
.... give you a military hair cut that even your Gunny will adore
.... set-up and help you conduct your next garage sale
.... deliver your car to its' new owner after you sell it
.... Broker the sale of your car and legally finalize the deal
.... determine why your vehicle is not running
.... determine what your vehicle is truly worth
.... COLLECT ANY MONIES YOU INSIST YOU ARE DUE
.... drive your car or motorcycle to that new home you purchased up there in Michigan
.... shave your dog and then bath him
.... do your "exercising" for you
.... build you a new dog house
.... install that ceiling fan
.... repair that water leak in the bathroom tub
.... ORGANIZE YOUR GARAGE FOR YOU (perfect idea now that you've received that new Mercedes Benz)
.... house-sit while you are in Key West on vacation
.... I will "step in" and be your "Dad" if you are in need of one. (think about this one)
.... pick up your car at the mechanic shop & actually verify that the job was done correctly
.... teach you to diaper your new-born
.... give you away at your wedding should your real father not be available
.... take your unwanted dog to the A.S.P.C.A. for you
.... take your pet to the vet
.... dispose of your pet when the time comes
.... take your dog to White Rock Dog Park with me and my dogs
.... sell your house
.... clean off your ceiling fans' blades
.... be your "real estate manager" while you rent out your house, but are now living in Fort Walton Beach, Fl.
.... sell your kids
.... iron your laundry
.... cater food & drinks for your next meeting
.... transport you to DFW so that your car stays safely in the garage
.... pick you up at DFW or DAL and return you safely home
.... use your car to take & pick you up at the airport so that it stays safely in your garage
.... provide valet service during your next party or function
.... chauffeur you around whenever you need me to
.... shop for a special gift for her (or him)
.... tune-up your bicycle for Summer riding
.... teach your Cockatoo not to bite or scream (this one is very difficult)
.... transport your bird's large cage to the carwash for a decent high powered cleaning
.... operate the camera for you and your huband should the both of you ever find yourselves in need of intimate photos that you would like to place on the Web
.... help install fencing around your backyard
.... clean your pool or hot tub
.... maintain a clean pool for you
.... take your kids to the Dallas Zoo
.... render assistance with that pesky neigbor (wink, wink)
.... come to get you if you're too drunk to drive home & then go back and get your car too. (consider how much you will save here on just this service ALONE)
.... provide permanent help with your neigbor's barking dog (wink, wink, wink)
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the Amy Snively family of brands for all your branded thing needs.
Amy Snively
Faff Camp
FaffCon
TalkerTees |
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Deirdre
Czarina Emeritus
Joined: 10 Nov 2004
Posts: 13023
Location: Camp Cooper
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| Posted: Sat May 08, 2010 10:49 am Post subject: |
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This is so off-the-charts weird that it needs its own category.
_________________
DBCooperVO.com
IMDB |
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Mike Sommer
A Hundred Dozen
Joined: 05 May 2008
Posts: 1222
Location: Boss Angeles
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| Posted: Sat May 08, 2010 12:07 pm Post subject: |
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I love it.
That's a guy everyone should know.
_________________
The Blog:
http://voiceoveraudio.blogspot.com/
Acoustics are counter-intuitive. If one thing is certain about acoustics, it is that if anything seems obvious it is probably wrong. |
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paddyo
CM
Joined: 12 Jul 2006
Posts: 975
Location: New York City
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| Posted: Sat May 08, 2010 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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His website photo section is awesome!!!
Paddyo
www.thepatrickoconnor.com
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Proud member of F.U.F.F. |
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mcm
Smart Kitteh
Joined: 10 Dec 2004
Posts: 2600
Location: w. MA, USA
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| Posted: Sat May 08, 2010 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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"if you're unwilling to exercise for yourself, I'll do it for you".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Lee Gordon
A Zillion
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 6864
Location: West Hartford, CT
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| Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 1:01 am Post subject: |
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So this dude will perform surgery on your dog, find a crematorium for your dog (somehow I think these two are related), or "silence" your neighbor's dog. He is a jack of a few too many trades.
_________________
Lee Gordon, O.A.V.
Voice President of the United States
www.leegordonproductions.com
Twitter: @LeeGordonVoice
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Donna
King's Row
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 1118
Location: The studio or the barn.
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| Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 7:19 am Post subject: |
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That is one heckuva list. Haven't been to the website yet, but guess where I'm going next?
I wonder if he can tell me why the M key on this computer soetimes doesn't work?
_________________
Dangerous.
Donna Postel
donnapostel.com
donna@donnapostel.com |
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Claire Dodin
Club 300
Joined: 15 Feb 2008
Posts: 392
Location: Sunny LA
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| Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 8:25 am Post subject: |
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wow! So for $25 per hour I can get a date that will teach my mother English and silence pets for recording sessions.... 
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www.clairedodin.com |
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todd ellis
A Zillion
Joined: 02 Jan 2007
Posts: 10529
Location: little egypt
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| Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 10:03 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | flat'n his / her tires for you. LEGALLY, of-course! |
not sure there's a legal way to do that ... but i LIKE this guy!
_________________
"i know philip banks": todd ellis
who's/on/1st?
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asnively
Triple G
Joined: 17 Jun 2006
Posts: 3204
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | flat'n his / her tires for you. LEGALLY, of-course! |
I think I see the loophole. Note: he never said he'd flatten them. Perhaps "flat'n" is kind of like saying something is "chocolatey flavored" or is topped with "creme." It's probably a contraction of flatulence.
_________________
the Amy Snively family of brands for all your branded thing needs.
Amy Snively
Faff Camp
FaffCon
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audio'connell
T-Shirt
Joined: 02 Feb 2005
Posts: 1969
Location: in a dark studio with a single bulb light...day after day after....
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| Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 1:02 pm Post subject: |
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| asnively wrote: | | It's probably a contraction of flatulence. |
I had that happen once to me in the middle of Church and the people sitting behind me seemed very upset.
_________________
- Peter
audioconnell Voice Over Talent
Your friendly, neighborhood voice over talent |
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asnively
Triple G
Joined: 17 Jun 2006
Posts: 3204
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 1:22 pm Post subject: |
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Next time, don't contract. Just go for it!
_________________
the Amy Snively family of brands for all your branded thing needs.
Amy Snively
Faff Camp
FaffCon
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todd ellis
A Zillion
Joined: 02 Jan 2007
Posts: 10529
Location: little egypt
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| Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 2:34 pm Post subject: |
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i could REALLY help this go down hill faster --- but i won't.
_________________
"i know philip banks": todd ellis
who's/on/1st?
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asnively
Triple G
Joined: 17 Jun 2006
Posts: 3204
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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If anyone could do it, Todd, I know you're the man!
_________________
the Amy Snively family of brands for all your branded thing needs.
Amy Snively
Faff Camp
FaffCon
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Diane Maggipinto
Spreading Snark Worldwide
Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 6679
Location: saul lay seetee youtee
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| Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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and if todd can't, then of course the craigslist OP can, natch.
_________________
sitting at #8, though not as present as I'd like to be. Hello!
www.d3voiceworks.com |
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