VO-BB - 19 YEARS OLD!

[SheSpeaksCopy]

Unfortunately...some of these I can relate to! Enjoy! :lol:

Aging

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're
damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be
sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one yet called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

[Spacegypsy]

These are great Anita! You should write stand up!

I used to do stand up, but I got so tired of hearing the same jokes every night, and I wanted to sit down anyway...

[SheSpeaksCopy]

Alas, I can't claim credit for these words of wit. I do appreciate the sense of humor though! :wink:

[Philip Banks]

Who ever wrote the pearls of wisdom, very funny, really enjoyed them and thanks Anita for letting us see. The post prompted me to have a look through my old documents. A little over 2 years ago I was asked to write something for publication and as it was my birthday what follows was the result.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me. Ooooooo! Haaaaappppy birrrrthdayyyyah deeeeeer etc.

Yep, 43 today. So I now have to become “Midlife CrisisMan”. If you are female and between 19 and 22 please get in touch.

Mother, who understands the law of nature has supplied me with my “Midlife CrisisMan” kit.

1 Black leather biker jacket (distressed)
2 RayBans
3 Appointment at piercing parlour for one upper and one lower insertion (I’m distressed)
4 Italian motorcycle, specifically the MortaSignor 43bambinaIII – Colour Bile Yellow.
5 Hair extension, pony tail (not made from a real pony).
6 Appointment at Needles N Ink Tattoo Emporium. Most of the time the addition will read “LIVE?” but in the company of my 19-22 year old “LOOKIN FOR LOVE BABE?” should be fully visible.
7 Posing pouches (various) one says on the front “Don’t believe the Bible, Angel…It’s this way to heaven”
8 Boots (illustrated) with Cuban heels (not made from real Cubans)
9 Domestos Household Bleach– one large bottle for teeth whitening.
10 Ten rings including one gold sovereign, four neck chains one with oversized medallion, three bracelets including one chunky gold bark effect. Those interested in similar see the Bargain Bling collection at your local 24/7.
11 500 hundred condoms to be allowed to fall out of pocket whilst talking to babes in a tapas bar – not all at once obviously.
12 Wine and single malt has been replaced by a selection of overpriced international beers, lagers and “coolers”.
13 Black leather jeans – too small.
14 T shirts – very tight
15 Lambada/Samba lessons
16 Mirrored bedroom ceiling
17 Playstation
18 A CD which adds the URLs of every naked girlie site to my favourites.
19 Amaris pour homme
20 New partner! “Hoorah!! She looks lovely, well done Mum. Where did you find her?”

Yes things are looking up. One disappointing note, my new partner looks nothing like her photo on the box and following all the effort involved in inflation I just fell asleep. When I woke up there was a note on my pillow, she left me for a Subaru Legacy tyre inner tube.

11am and the phone rings. I answer.

“Pooooowap-ta-hee” chants Nettlerash co-owner of the Moodstone Renewal Centre in Wallingford, there followed a ching on the finger cymbals.

“Allandra-kallfarandra”, it’s Stonehenge, Nettlerash's chosen lifestyle partner accompanied by the zither. At this point the team of elderly Buddhist musicians who live in the granny annexe strike up and play, all chant.

“Cammy tantra sally goona pally shamma gooalla tanna tally who”. This is repeated 43 times, chanted (sung) in D minor.

Brother Tchang, one of the monks speak to me.

“Missiter Pheeleeps. Have you a born day to you! Lie with your nakedness now with your facing to north feetwards. Wishyoualise Mamatoo the dream monkey as you to be lay lying”. I oblige, putting the phone on speaker. I then hear a chant in very creative harmony.

“A-AHH-OOOOOOO-AAAAAHHH!”

“Make like a wish guy. Focus on Mamatoo like making all your dreams come like mega true. Like big hugs and stuff from all of us guy. Happy birthday. You’re like well beautiful. We love you, like totally.” Nettlerash sounds close to tears as she enjoys the moment, she then hangs up the phone.

This year is going to be a great year. Well it has to be after a present like that

[billelder]

I'll never live to be as old as I look.