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Commercial Critique

 
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griffitd
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2008 11:26 am    Post subject: Commercial Critique Reply with quote

hey guys..

Ive recently hired a voice coach to help strengthen my weaknesses. The time was well-worth spent. She told me to focus on alliteration with 3+ syllabic words such as association, achievement, transformation, performance. This 60 sec. spot includes a few of those words. While listening, does anybody have anything else to add? Your feedback would be greatly appreciated. Just want to collect some feedback before I pack up my gear for the mainland.



http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/10/29/1552603/Dream_Night.mp3

Mahalo and Aloha!

Cameron
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KaraEdwards
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Joined: 21 Feb 2007
Posts: 2374
Location: Behind a mic or camera, USA

PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2008 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Cameron!

I'm sure others can offer some more detailed feedback, but you might want to think more about what you are saying, and less about the words themselves. What message are you trying to send here? Just read the script as you would to say, a friend or a co-worker and let the words happen naturally.

I really liked the first sentence- believable. Try to make the whole spot that natural if you can.
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Kara Edwards
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griffitd
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2008 3:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks Kara..

I thinks that's the most important thing I need to learn to emphasize.. I'll keep that in mind, and also, try smiling a little more when I deliver too could help! In any event, thanks!
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bobsouer
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Joined: 15 Jul 2006
Posts: 9883
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2008 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cameron,

Remembering to "smile" while you do your voiceover work will not help you deliver the copy in a more conversational manner. In fact it could do the opposite, unless your normally smile a whole lot when you're talking with people. Instead, here's one step that will make a gigantic leap in the direction you want to go: take off the headphones and leave them off. To my ears at least, you sound like you're way too caught up with how you sound and are paying very little attention to what you're actually saying.

One other thing, unless you're supposed to have a swallowing sound in the middle of this copy, you need to edit your voice track before you mix it with the music.

I hope these suggestions are at least a little bit helpful. My very best to you.
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Bob Souer (just think of lemons)
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