VO-BB - 20 YEARS OLD!

Philip Banks · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 6:12 am Post subject: Faux Experts

Whilst it's not unique to voice over work we do appear to throw up more than our fair share of experts; except of course they're not experts at all.

I've been paid to do voice overs for 20 years and have done everything from major films to on-holds, radio imaging to video games. Sometimes I will tell you about something I've discovered, found interesting, has made me laugh or is just a distraction but I would never make any claim to be an expert.

So who are these Faux Experts? You can probably name them but due to internet post-posting paranoia you won't - Be fluffy never let people know what you REALLY think. The FXs are an intellectually lazy, ego massage seeking, self promoting VO underclass. Sadly the list I have used consists of their good points. All this pontification gave me occasion to consider how such an expert would approach a simple task and report it in their newsletter .....

TEA ....THE STUFF OF LIFE

Hey you guys! You know, being me and being a successful voice talent/on camera talent and entrepreneur 24/7 with a number of local, regional, national and international clients I get thirsty. If you don't get quite as thirsty as me, don't worry, you just need to read my "adjust your thirst for success blog". So how do I the successful voice talent/on camera talent and entrepreneur 24/7 with a number of local, regional, national and international clients quench this thirst?
Here's the trick

WATER THERMAL INCREASE

Boil some water in a kettle

CHINA IMPLANTATION

Place a tea bag in a mug

INFUSION

Remember the water we thermally increasated earlier. Pour it into the mug WITH (very important) WITH THE TEA BAG

TIME

You'll have to wait for a while, may be a few minutes. I usually service one of my local, regional, national and international clients with oh I dunno, a high-profile TV campaign or an ammend to an on hold for a Post Office in Ghana while I wait.

READY

At the end of the wait...Look in your mug ....F***IN' AWESOME OR WHAT???? TEA, actually tea you can actually drink.

Hope you enjoyed that career changing piece. I'm going now to stand out in the cold in a tight sweater then take a profile pic ....Stay awesome..........and remember losers aren't winners and all Fionas are bitches.

MAZ OXOXO

Dave Waters · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 6:32 am Post subject:

How do I subscribe to your newsletter oh, learned one?
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samowry · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 7:04 am Post subject:

You killed me this morning. Thanks as always.

CarynClark · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 8:39 am Post subject:

Most excellent. Gasp

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Bruce · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 9:03 am Post subject:

How much do you charge for an hour of phone consultation? Everyone tells me I'm very good at boiling water and I think I can make a very good living at making tea.

Ooh, one other question, what's a pekoe?

B
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roger · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 9:04 am Post subject:

I've heard it said if you break down the word expert...ex is a has-been and a spurt is a drip under pressure.
That's all faux now,
roger
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roger · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 9:20 am Post subject:

I've already gone out and purchased a state-of-the-art tea set and after studying with you feel confident about my abilities to steep and pour.
Now, will the tea function coordinators seek me out or will you provide a client list for me to contact?
I'm looking forward to pouring regionally, if not nationally.
Just ask for Mr. T(ea) - Roger Tremaine
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No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. AESOP (The Lion and the Mouse)

jsgilbert · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:23 am Post subject:

Which reminds me, my new book, "How to Make Tens of Dollars in the Wonderful Field of Voice Over", will be out any day now. I'm taking pre-orders, since we only photocopied 37 editions. It will probably sell ouot very quickly. Also, the first 20 people to order will get afree pair of x-ray specs, just like the kind that sell in the back of poppular comic books. The specs are free, you only pay seperate shipping and handling.

And remember, if it's not tea, it's an infusion.
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Monk · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:27 am Post subject:

The U.S. version will be focused on coffee.

I enjoy tea, yet never make an effort to make it. Same with soccer or cricket, but to be honest I don't watch much sports at all.

A good scotch however, deserves a good glass and company. Perhaps I need to research that subject and formulate my own book on the matter.

To the pub!
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Bish · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:44 am Post subject:

It's funny that you used making tea as an example. In a previous life, I was part of the training department of a large multi-national (writing tech manuals, designing and giving courses). We contracted with the ITD (Institute of Training and Development) to run some train-the-trainer sessions with an eye to our specific environment. One of the exercises was to design training materials to enable an instructor to teach a class how to make a cup of tea (using a pre-warmed pot, Philip!). The constraint was that the both the instructor and the class had English as a second language. No idiomatic, vernacular or colloquial language could be employed... an exercise in clarity and objectivity.

Sadly, it's becoming a lost art. A real expert uses a few, well chosen, words to make a point.
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I will not feed the trolls... I will not feed the trolls... I will not feed the trolls... I will not feed the trolls.

Darren Altman · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:46 am Post subject:

If I see the words 'social and 'media' next to each other again (normally proceeded by 'expert') I swear, I'm going f*cking scream! Seriously, this is really starting to annoy me. They're everywhere I look. Everywhere.

People making 'how to' videos on absolutely nothing, in order to post it on every social media (AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH - I did it!!!!) outlet going, simply to get their face/voice in the public consciousness. They're just jobbing v/o's like the rest of us and nothing more.

*Edit*

Just had a thought. If the people that label themselves Social Media Experts actually are experts, then so am I, so is DB, so is Philip, so is Bob, so is bloody everyone!! We're all on FB, we're all on Twitter, we all use the same v/o sites and read the same blogs. As I write this, I can see several tweets and re-tweets by these so-called SME's blowing smoke up their own arse! They know nothing more than everyone else. FACT!
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Mandy Nelson · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:34 pm Post subject:

Be careful, increasating is not for the faint of heart.
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Lee Gordon · Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:39 pm Post subject: Re: Faux Experts