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Script Workout!
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Mike Sommer
A Hundred Dozen


Joined: 05 May 2008
Posts: 1222
Location: Boss Angeles

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

louzucaro wrote:
Ok, I'll bite Smile

Clickity-Lou


I've been having problems with your link

You pulled it in just under :59 , at the beginning I didn't think you were going to pull it in on time.
I think maybe you stressed "world" to hard.

All I can say is bigger smile and have fun with the jokes. other then that
you hit all the points. Good show.
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ConnieTerwilliger
Triple G


Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3381
Location: San Diego - serving the world

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fixed - as admitted - operator error...

http://www.corporatevideo.com/images/ConnieT_ATTCallManage.mp3
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ConnieTerwilliger
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Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3381
Location: San Diego - serving the world

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mike Sommer wrote:
None of us are going to hit it out of the park the first time and as a matter of fact "self directing" is my weak point. But more informative suggestions would be helpful.

We can carryon with subsequent retakes while we all build and learn or we call it an evening.


Self-directing is a challenge and has become so much more the norm as we audition by ourselves and send files through the ether - rarely even knowing if someone has listened. Knowing when to hit the send button is critical.

I talked for 3 hours at last year's VOICE 2007 about self-evaluation and that is the basis of my introductory class at San Diego City College. If you don't know how to evaluate all the elements of the business (talent, technology, marketing and bookkeeping), where you fit in the business, your competition, and how you compare to your competition - then you can't really move forward.

Warming up is critical as well. I heard a bit of under articulation in your reads Mike. While over articulation can be just as bad - being completely warmed up so that the words come out the way you intended is important.
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Don G.
King's Row


Joined: 11 Nov 2004
Posts: 1071
Location: MA

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know how, but I never even noticed the direction in the original post. The copy seemed to lend itself to that kind of read anyway.

Also, (in my defense), I interpreted the first line the way I did because it seemed more likely that there was an extra comma where there shouldn't have been rather than a missing period and capitalized "W". I would have definitely clarified with the director whether (s)he wanted:

Okay, hands up everyone. Whose first conversation on their new cell phone was “Hi honey, guess where I’m calling from?”

or the way I misinterpreted it

Okay, hands up everyone whose first conversation on their new cell phone was “Hi honey, guess where I’m calling from.”

It seemed to make more sense to have people raise their hands in response to a qualifier. The way it's written, everyone should raise their hands and then the qualifier is mentioned. (Yeah, yeah, I know I tend to overthink things.)
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glittlefield
M&M


Joined: 08 Mar 2006
Posts: 2039
Location: Round Rock, TX

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Drat! Curse that English Language!

(shakes angry Snoopy fist)
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Greg Littlefield
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ConnieTerwilliger
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Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3381
Location: San Diego - serving the world

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Okay, hands up everyone whose first conversation on their new cell phone was “Hi honey, guess where I’m calling from.


I LOVE that interpretation - you didn't over think! This is what happens when you self-direct and only do one take. Thank you!
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Frank F
Fat, Old, and Sassy


Joined: 10 Nov 2004
Posts: 4421
Location: Park City, Utah

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To those VO-BBers who attempted this bit of dribble, "I agree with Don and Connie". I had even made the same comment to GP when he allowed me to listen to his interpretation of the commercial.

Very poorly written copy. Poor grammar, poor punctuation, poor sentence structure, too much copy, too little direction, and just too much....

The commercial in question is definitely "test market" material (i.e.: small local market).

Additionally Mike, should you wish to critique each and every respondent of this thread, consider moving your thoughts to the Critique section of the VO-BB.

Further, I might suggest you delete your critiques in this public side of the forum - this action would serve you well.

I will not dabble into critiquing your presentation of the spot, however I MUST add this comment: I do not find your critiques to be an honest review of other VO Artists skills and talent. I have read your "mini-bio" post and listened to your presentation of the Pacific Bell commercial and have my doubts you are qualified to offer an objective opinion.

Good luck.

Toodles

F2
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Mike Sommer
A Hundred Dozen


Joined: 05 May 2008
Posts: 1222
Location: Boss Angeles

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It happens all the time Don. It was an interesting take. Happy accidents do sometimes happen.


And Connie

That was a delicious take. Love it, Love it, Love it.
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louzucaro
The Gates of Troy


Joined: 13 Jul 2006
Posts: 1915
Location: Chicago area

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

robert jadah wrote:
louzucaro wrote:
I'm having a bit of a hard time reconciling your comments with your reads.


Let's not get into a urinating contest, laddies, because if we do, I'm on my eighth Moosehead and will win.


That comment of mine that you quoted was directed at the OP, not you Robert...eighth Moosehead indeed Smile

Frank, your comments made me smile, as I for one thought this was going to be just a "fun thing to do"...that is until I realized the amount of copy posed no real challenge for a :60, and it bacame less fun when the public critiques started flowing.
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Lou Zucaro
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"Well, yeah, there's my favorite leaf!"
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Philip Banks
Je Ne Sais Quoi


Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 11082
Location: Portgordon, Scotland

PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A warm up exercise for a Monday morning.

Is the script a pile of sh*te? Yes! That's why it was a good warm up exercise.

Pacific Who?
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Bruce
Boardmeister


Joined: 06 Jun 2005
Posts: 7980
Location: Portland, OR

PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A 200 word casual/conversational script? Yah, right. I've seen this before. They'll cut copy in the session until they get the sound they want. I would read it at the pace I think they want to hear and then let them figure it out if I got the gig.

Corbett on Northern Exposure was speaking at 140-150 words per minute tops. Oh, and I love how they want real casual and want you to read phrases like, "It’s Pacific Bell Information Service’s name for...".

It's a nutty business we're in.

B
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tackerman
The Gates of Troy


Joined: 14 Jun 2006
Posts: 1741
Location: in the ether

PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have nothing to add to this thread aside from the fact that my wife LOVES Northern Exposure and Corbett.
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Don G.
King's Row


Joined: 11 Nov 2004
Posts: 1071
Location: MA

PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 8:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And as long as we're venturing off on a tangent, I had the pleasure of working with John Corbett many years ago (back when he was doing the Ford spots). I was engineering the ISDN session when he was in Boston. Very nice guy.

And I don't even know why I'm bothering (except for the practice and a chance for more criticism), but here is another version I'll be happy to have picked apart.
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Deirdre
Czarina Emeritus


Joined: 10 Nov 2004
Posts: 13026
Location: Camp Cooper

PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 8:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

caveat postor.
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louzucaro
The Gates of Troy


Joined: 13 Jul 2006
Posts: 1915
Location: Chicago area

PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 8:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh heh
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